The first time I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I didn’t feel like I was at all ready to be somebody’s mother. The second time I found out I was pregnant, I was just as terrified, but this time it was because I now had a baby already and I was nervous to bring another into this world.
But then, after sharing our news with our loved ones, I began to realize just how lucky we are. These pregnancies both came easy for us. We didn’t have to chart fertility cycles or go on intensive treatments. We didn’t have to pray fervently to be blessed with babies. We just were. Like my mom used to joke, I just sneeze and I’m pregnant! Ha. Not to say we didn’t want these babies or pray for them, but it hasn’t been a big ordeal. And lately more and more I’m realizing how painstaking of a process it is for so many.
One person in particular came out recently and told me that she has been trying for years- years– for a baby. She has prayed and hoped and dreamed of this baby, and yet, nothing. She told me she has just begun to look into fertility treatments, but she’s scared. She’s scared of the needles and the hormones and the schedules, but mostly, she’s scared of the resentment that can come from it all; resentment toward her husband, resentment toward her own body, resentment even toward that possible baby.
And as much as I can never say I know how she feels, I can feel empathy. I can feel compassion. And thus, when I found out I was pregnant again, I was at once nervous, excited and overcome with guilt: guilt because this came so easily for us. Guilt because it doesn’t come easily for many- including those I love so dearly. And as I’m celebrating this new life growing inside of me, I’m also walking the fine line of making sure not to over-celebrate. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. I don’t ever want to come off as boasting or prideful or insensitive.
So how do I get over this guilt that I’m feeling? I accept that this is a miracle bestowed upon me. I thank my lucky stars for this new life every day. And I remember that even though it is hard for some, it doesn’t make it impossible for them to be happy for me. In fact, when I carefully told this particular friend of mine that I was pregnant, after being so nervous to do so, I was greeted with genuine excitement. She really was happy for me! Regardless of her own pain, she celebrated in my joy. And that meant more to me than I could ever put into words.
So maybe the key is to celebrate together in our joy, and commiserate with one another in our pain. And the only thing I can do is to be the best mother I can to the children I am blessed with, and to never take this role for granted.
xo
Beautifully said…and I can tell it was heartfelt.
I’ve never dealt with infertility or struggling to conceive, so I can only empathize, too.
In fact, my first pregnancy (& only, thus far) came about as a surprise – we weren’t even trying. It’s in getting over that shock and realizing how blessed I was (am) that I realized how hard and painful it must be for others to celebrate in my joy. We can never understand WHY some ache for children but can’t have then or why others take their fertility for granted, but we CAN always support one another and be gracious and mindful of feelings.
You shouldn’t feel guilty, but I get why you do. Glad your friend was able to be genuinely happy for you, and I hope that she one day finds her own blessing.
I love what you said. We can always support one another and be gracious and mindful of their feelings. YES. Thanks for your great comment.
xo
this is beautiful! Getting pregnant has not been easy for us (though we have been blessed by two sweet babes!), but you’re so right about rejoicing and commiserating with one another. It’s even Biblical! (Romans 12:15) If I start to feel disappointed that we’re not pregnant again yet, I remind myself that each baby is an absolute miracle and blessing! :) Thanks for sharing your heart!
Love that verse you shared! It’s funny how pretty much everything good or right or true turns out to be biblical… I think there’s something to it… ;) And yes, every single baby is a miracle!
xo
I can very much relate to this. I have a great friend who has been trying since they got married about 2 years ago, to get pregnant. She was getting frustrated and the more people around us got pregnant the more down she would get. I already had one by the time she got pregnant but 8 months after he was born, I got pregnant again, don’t want to say by accident but it kind of was. (my boys are now 2 and 9 months) And I hated having to tell her because I knew how upset she was getting with everyone getting pregnant and she wasn’t. I eventually broke the news to her and she was really happy for me as your friend was for you. I feel so sad for her and want so badly for her to experience being pregnant and the joys of motherhood as much as she wants to! She is now going through different steps to try to get pregnant and I am praying it will soon be her turn. I know how you feel, but remember, it is okay to feel happy and excited still! Babies are such a blessing and I am sure your friend and mine will be blessed real soon too! Congrats on your pregnancy! :)
You have such a good heart! It is definitely a struggle, but to know that it’s okay to feel happy for our own happiness is a relief in itself.
xo
I can relate to this 100%. I have a close friend who has PCOS and has tried for 3 years without luck. When I found out I was pregnant, I struggled with how to tell her. I wanted to share my news with her, but let her know that I was still thinking of her and her situation.
It is absolutely a fine line to walk, and one that can be very touchy for some. I think being gentle and understanding is always the way to handle any situation! I’m sure she is so excited and happy for you!
xo
I know how you feel. Both my sisters took years to get pregnant, and I had no problems at all. I have one close friend who has been trying for ages, but nothing yet. I’m amazed at how many people infertility affects. I thought it was more rare, but it seems to be more the norm now.
It’s kind of like any ailment, once you know someone who suffers from it, you start finding more and more and all of a sudden, it’s not as rare as you once thought! Which is a blessing and curse, as it’s not something you’d ever wish on anyone, but at the same time it’s always nice to not feel alone in one’s hardships and struggles. I too am blown away by how many are touched by infertility. It breaks my heart.
xo
You are so sweet Katie! I am one of those women struggling with infertility. We have been trying for almost 4 years, last year I found out I have stage IV endometriosis, so getting pregnant will be very hard if not impossible for me aside from a miracle. But never would I ever want a pregnant woman to feel guilty on my account. This is the journey God has me on, and although yours is different, I would never want you to feel guilty for what God has blessed you with. Sure, sometimes I feel a little jealous seeing others get pregnant so easily. But then I stop myself and remember, just because that part of their life looks easy in no way means their life is perfect or better than mine. I’m SO thrilled for you and your little family, and especially that little Sam will have a brother or sister to play with. And I love what you said about not taking this for granted and seeing each life as a miracle. Because they truly are blessings and I’m so happy for you. But thank you for taking the time to write this, it really does mean a lot to know that you care. You have a beautiful heart!
I could have written your comment myself, only with dealing with grief and loss in the place of infertility. It’s the same with anything that one struggles with- it’s absolutely normal and human to feel jealousy or to ask WHY, but that is just an endless hole that will get you nowhere. It’s definitely a constant struggle with me and my own hardships. I love what you said- that just because that part of their life looks easy, it in no way means it is perfect. Nobody has a perfect life. I hope you are blessed with your own little miracle, but in the meantime I’ll be thinking of you! <3
xo
Your amazing & I love your soul so hard
You are so so so sweet to me, my friend! <3
xo
So well written :-) congratulations on baby number two! I was pregnant with baby two while you were pregnant with Sam. You were a little ahead of me. Now I’m pregnant with my third and you’re ahead again. I’m done after this so you’ll have to carry on without me! lol
Haha thank you so much! And congrats to you on baby #3! So exciting!!
xo
So beautifully said, Katie! Babies are such a blessing. I always remind myself of that when I have poop on my hand or my toddler is throwing a mini tantrum!
Bahaha, yeah, it’s definitely an everyday reminder that must be made ;)
xo
You sure do have a beautiful soul to care so much. I think we all have our struggles. I think back to all the mother’s days that went by when I didn’t have my mom to celebrate with, but my friends did. I was happy for them that they could go off to brunch or pedicures or whatever with their mothers. I was sad, but happy for them at the same time. I think in life we all have something we are longing for and all experienced loss in different ways. Which is why you should celebrate this joy in your life and not feel sad or guilty. Just as I felt joy for my friends and their moms despite not having the same, I’m sure your friend feels joy for you. It’s ok to be happy. Xoxo
I was thinking of the same thing, actually, while writing this. I definitely get a pang of jealousy every time I see someone with their mom- it’s amazing and so sweet, but of course makes me miss my own so badly. You are absolutely right- we all have something we’re longing for. Thanks for your comment, it hit the nail on the head.
xo
This is really sweet, but please cherish that little baby as I know you will. My husband and I lost our first at 21 weeks (chromosomal abnormality) just a little over a month ago. My sister-in-law just delivered last week. Holding that precious baby was painful but so so worth it. Your joy over your baby does not take away from the pain others feel or negate your compassion in any way. Good thoughts are with you guys, congratulations.
Oh, Laura, I am so sad to hear of your loss. I don’t have any words to say, but thank you for your comment and for giving me perspective. It was beautifully said. I’m thinking of and praying for you and your sweet family.
xo
Been away for a bit and just now saw you were pregnant with number 2! How amazing. You better buckle your parenting seat belts, because having two kiddos around is a whole new ballgame! My second little darling just turned one and insists that everything is hers. Big sister does not agree! It’s challenging sometimes, but it also means twice as much cute and fun stuff! Baby E just told me “dank goo” (thank you) for the first time today. Melt!!
This is a sweet and honest post. I know someone that suffered not one, but two different heartbreaking late term miscarriages, so you’re right that you always have to be mindful of what others are going though. But also, don’t let the bad outweigh the good! I always try to believe there is something to be thankful for, even during the storms of life.
She now has two beautiful kids!
So, congratulations again! :)
Oh man, I know we have no idea what we’re in for with two under two!! ;) But I think we’re up to the challenge! Love that “dank goo”- so sweet! I love what you said, too. There is always something to be thankful for. Always.
xo
Aw I missed this news but congratulations!! :) xx
Thanks Kerry!! :)
xo
you are a wonderful person. I too, felt guilty about being pregnant, especially as, the day after I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I found out my friend had lost her baby. At 25 weeks. I felt terrible, as if I’d taken her baby from her, which of course wasn’t so but I couldn’t help feeling bad about it. I was so scared to tell her I was pregnant but, like your friend, she was nothing but happy for me. She has since had another. I regularly remind myself that there are people in the world worse off than me, and when I can’t say I’ve been in their shoes, I try my best to have empathy. I believe it’s one of the most wonderful qualities a person can have, and so that’s why I think you must be a wonderful person. Good luck for your upcoming labour (not sure when your baby is due but I’m guessing it’s soon – only just found your blog)!! Xx