motherhood

It’s been a rough couple of days with Sam. He is nonverbal, and that causes a LOT of frustrations- for all of us. I’ll be honest: one of my biggest prayers for him is to just hear his precious little voice. I just want to hear my boy say, “Mama.” Goodness, what I would give… But mostly it just breaks my heart to see him get so frustrated because he can’t communicate to us what he wants or needs. So we had a meeting with his ABA team lead and his speech therapist and we’re going to start something new, a picture exchange system (PECS), so he can communicate his needs. And I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t terrify me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like this is “giving up” on the hope that he WILL speak one day. But I know it’s not. We’ll still keep trying, we’ll keep doing speech therapy and we’ll keep implementing everything possible to get those words coming. But right now? They simply aren’t, by no fault of ours or his. He just isn’t physically capable of speech at this moment. But this will only make the frustrations less, the meltdowns less and give him a means of communication beyond the few signs he has. And I have every hope that he WILL speak one day. I WILL hear him say “Mama.” And it will be one of the sweetest sounds in the world.

Last week we had a really rough day. He got home from school and it all went downhill. He had a major meltdown, hitting and trying to bite. It was awful. And then I just sat down on the ground with him, pulled him into my lap and wrapped my arms around him. I gave him squeezes and sang into his ears, and we rocked there on the floor for a long while, and he was calm. Zack captured this moment without my knowing, and it means so much to me. This boy of ours, he is so special. He is a little light. He is a challenge but it’s that challenge that makes us BETTER.

In church yesterday our pastor said something that really spoke right to me: “Embrace the pain because it’s through our suffering that we learn the most.”

And we are learning every day.

And I thank God for this sweet boy every single day. I can only hope we can be all that he needs.

More on Sam here.

xo

||maxi dress||

Motherhood is hard. It’s beautiful. It’s heart-wrenching worry and guilt and fear. It’s seeing your heart and feeling your heart and knowing you have a heart, more than you ever did before. It’s watching that heart of yours walk around outside of your body- sometimes run, sometimes crash and burn, sometimes get hurt and having no control over it at all. It’s learning to let go. It’s relinquishing control. It’s trust.

Motherhood is not at all glamorous. It’s spending hours each day at the playground. It’s wiping runny noses on your brand new sweater’s sleeve because you forgot the tissues. It’s smelling things to decide what exactly they may be (poop or chocolate always tends to be poop). It’s letting go of your perfection and embracing the mess. It’s getting messy, in every possible way. It’s rolling around in the grass, endless tickle fights, blowing raspberries and big, deep belly laughs. It’s “More, more, more!” and “Mama! Mama! MAMA!” and yes, it’s even, “NO.”

Motherhood is humbling. It’s eating cold mac and cheese that your toddler refuses to touch, even though it was his favorite food last week. It’s going to dinner at 5:00 because, BEDTIME. It’s neverending laundry (where does it all come from and why does it never go away?!). It’s living your life by the minute, because children thrive on routine!! It’s breaking routines and living life, because you’re making memories.

Motherhood is insanity. Motherhood is pure joy. Motherhood is accepting that both of these things can coexist and you can be okay with that.

Motherhood is the greatest journey I could ever wish to be on. It’s everything I’ve wanted and nothing I imagined it to be. It’s perfect. It’s messy. It’s difficult. It’s paralyzing. It’s comforting. It’s incredible.

And it’s mine. Thank God, it’s mine. I’ll take the messy and the hard days and the sleepless nights. I’ll take it all. Because I get them. Goodness, I get THEM.

xo

Have you seen this shirt yet? I MEAN. Hi, Target, just take all of my money right now. The best part? It’s sold in the little boy’s department. I mean, yeah, that doesn’t matter, girls and boys can wear it, but the point is that this is being sold in the BOY’S department. It’s not a shirt that says, “I love trucks” or “Strong like daddy” and it’s not a girl’s shirt that says “Princess” or whatever. I mean, those shirts are all fine and dandy, if that’s your thing, but I just love that this shirt is available and is sending the message, to both little boys and little girls, that moms are STRONG! And that deserves all of the high fives!!

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So, anyway. The mom workout group I’m a part of (Stroller Strides) had a big class at the mall yesterday, and I brought my little sidekick Sophie girl with me and we had the BEST morning together! I see many mall trips together in the future. ;) But this one was so full of love and happiness. It was a full morning, and I was wiped out by the time noon came around and we picked up Sam (but to be fair, I’m just getting over a cold, and I drove like 60 miles today- which I am NOT used to lol… Zack is totally making fun of me for being so dramatic about this by the way…).

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It was kind of an awesome thing. All of these mamas and their babes coming together to work out and share positivity and love and community. My heart is so full! And we are setting an example to our babies, through our actions. To take care of your body. To make your health and well-being a priority. That we are better together. :)

Also, trying to take a photo of a bunch of little ones is tricky, guys. And it’s chaos. Pure chaos. But oh so cute at the same time. And for the record, Sophie was perfectly happy and content the entire time, until right before this picture was taken, and pretty sure it was just overwhelming OR if you’ll notice, the little one in front of her totally took her kitty cat. That would make anyone upset. ;)

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The sign of a day well spent. Car nap for the win! (And amazing car seat here!)

Full days are tiring, but gosh do they always make me happy when I look back on them. There’s something to be said for taking it easy and living life slow, but every now and then, we need some busyness to pump life back into us! Pretty sure this is all the fact that I’ve been suffering from some major cabin fever the past few weeks, though, so you know. I guess I’m just being overly dramatic again.

It happens.

xo

Mom life means getting out of your yoga pants, putting on some makeup and throwing on your favorite cute booties just to pick up your toddler from school and go right back home again for nap time.

Mom life means pushing your massive double stroller and counting that as an arm workout.

Mom life means wearing white jeans because you’re feeling brave, and then regretting that decision ten minutes later. ;) Because there is always spilling or spit up or sticky fingers or dirty shoes or… Something. There is always something.

Mom life means eating dinner at 8:00, after your babies are asleep, otherwise it would have been cold and who wants that?

Mom life means forever thinking of another human before yourself. It means constantly worrying whether you’re doing enough. It means loving beyond what you thought was ever possible.

Mom life means leaving the dishes in the sink and the endless laundry in the basket and the toys on the floor, because your baby fell asleep in your arms for the first time in too many months, and this is the most important thing you could do right now.

Mom life is long and tiring and thankless some days and amazing and hilarious and full of so much love and goodness.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not one single thing.

xo

I’ve been thinking a lot about my babies, and this time of our lives. If I’m being completely honest, this particular season is a HARD one. We are being challenged daily, with things we never dreamed of, and more often than not I question myself as a parent. Am I doing this all right? I feel like I fail my kids (and thus, myself) on a regular basis. And it’s hard. It’s hard to not know. It’s hard to second guess your actions.

But then, I think about the TRUTH. And the truth is this: Yes, parenting is hard. It’s the hardest job I’ll ever have, I’m convinced of it (gosh, I HOPE SO). It’s challenging and different and crazy and pulls at your heart in ways you never knew possible. But it’s also the greatest journey, and one that is so WORTH IT.

It’s worth all of the aches and pains. It’s worth the sleepless nights and loss of hair and loss of abs and loss of sanity. It’s worth it all. Because it’s important. And it’s beautiful.

And also this: we are all doing the best we can. And none of us, not one of us, really knows what she’s doing or has it all figured out. Repeat that to yourself, if you’ve been feeling otherwise lately. I know I have to constantly remind myself of this! People share what they want to share, but deep down, we all have struggles and we all are just doing the best we can.

And there’s so much hope in that. There’s so much relief in that knowledge. Once you let go of trying to “have it all figured out,” THAT is when you get to the good stuff. That is when you see how purely beautiful your life is. In all of it’s craziness, it’s beautiful at the core. So enjoy it. Enjoy the messes and the insanity and the unknown. Because I can guarantee you’re going to miss it when it’s gone. I know I will. I already do.

But I’m painfully nostalgic as it is, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. ;)

xo