We got to see our precious littlest one today. At the last ultrasound they couldn’t get a clear view of the stomach. This time the stomach was visible, but on the wrong side. It can still be fully functional, but it was a little jarring to hear. We need to go in for a fetal MRI to fully assess the situation. I am resting in my faith that God has this all under control. And even through the tears, I’m smiling because I am so incredibly blessed.
I held it together in the ultrasound room, I made jokes with the tech and nodded and agreed with everything the doctor said. But once we got to the car, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. This baby has become such a part of me. We are one, the two of us. My baby’s heart beats along with mine, and yet, something isn’t right. And I can’t stand it. The only prayer for this baby since the beginning has been for health. That’s it- that is all that’s important to me.
I don’t care what gender it is, or what color eyes or hair. The only thing that I want is a healthy baby. And now here we are, with health in question. And it’s hard. It’s hard to hear, it’s hard to stomach, it’s hard to not worry myself sick. But I know I’m not in control in the least bit. And oh my, isn’t that the truth that comes back to bite you in the ass time and time again- you are never in control! And just when you think you are. Well. Surprise. You’re not.
So here we are. Waiting for a call to head to San Francisco for the fetal MRI. Nervous and worried as hell, but remembering to rely on the fact that God has this. Like my aunt said, my faith is being stretched and God has me and my little one in the palm of His hand. So much comfort and peace in that truth. And yes, it’s true, we are not in control. But guess what that means? Somebody way bigger is. And he’s got this. We only need to believe.
After the appointment, after my all out bawling sesh in the car, and my makeup a mess and my face all red, we drove to Ikea and got candy and walked around the store. We smiled. We were silly. We had a good time. And yeah, we bought some little toys for Sam, too. ;)
I love that man of mine so much. I can’t even begin to say how much. He lifts me up, he reassures me, he holds me when I need it (always) and he loves me so good. I cannot imagine doing life with anybody else. I wouldn’t want to. He makes me laugh through my tears- probably one of my very favorite things about him, especially since I am such an emotional person. ;) I love him always, but it’s during the toughest trials in life where that love is solidified and truly means the most. And gosh. He has me good.
Good thoughts and prayers during this time, as always, are so very much appreciated.
xo
Fingers crossed & keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
Thank you so much, Shannon. <3
xo
Praying for your sweet little one. I imagine this is a scary and nerve wracking time, but you and baby are so very loved by our Lord. You’re so right, He IS in control and isn’t it a comfort to know He only wants good things for us? Praying you will be able to let go of worry and continue to enjoy this pregnancy knowing that God has it all under control. Sounds like you have a wonderful hubby to walk through this with you too. Isn’t it the best when they can make us laugh through the tears? Wishing you all the best!
Yes, it is SUCH a comfort to know I’m not in this alone and I’m very much provided for in every possible way. <3 Thanks for your sweet words, Whitney.
xo
Oh boy, this post is taking me back to December when my ultrasound hullabaloo started. I feel for you girl….. my prayers are with you! There was NOTHING scarier than hearing that our twin boys may have heart issues, or kidney and bladder, or pretty much everything else under the sun that they scared me with…. including asking me to choose at 25 weeks to let twin A possibly not make it due to low fluid, or have them both early and risk both of their survivas. I prayed A LOT about it and turns out all the ultrasounds were misread and both boys were healthy as can be!!!!!!!!!! Born at almost 6 pounds each at 37 weeks. I hope that makes you feel a little better <3
Those ultrasounds can be a great thing, but they cannot be trusted all the time. The boys fluid was fine all the while, and I spent the last 3 months of my pregnancy super stressed, crying and scared for nothing. If I had to do it again I wouldn't go in period…
xoxo
Christina
UGH. Thank you so much for sharing- you really have no idea how much it means to me (or maybe you do!). That is such a miracle that your babies are healthy as can be!! Also annoying that ultrasounds can be so inaccurate… It definitely makes for unnecessary worrying. You know, that’s one of my frustrations right now, is that I’m being robbed of really enjoying my pregnancy right now, and I HATE that. I’m trying so hard, but as you know, it is not easy. Thanks for sharing and putting my mind at ease a bit. <3
xo
Thinking of you and your family! Hope the fetal MRI gives you more answers. xo
Thanks so much, girl. <3
xo
We had a really similar scare with CT. We went in for a regular ultrasound to find the gender and they also found a spot on his heart and his brain. We had to go back for much more testing and it was so hard to rest in the fact that He is in control, not me. Because if at any point I felt in control it was when I was pregnant – I just knew I could protect him and feed him the right things and give him everything he needed…until I couldn’t. And that is hard to swallow. I am praying very hard for you and your family. I have faith that this little cherub will be just fine.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lindsay. Did everything turn out okay with your little one? You’re right: it’s very hard to swallow, but I’m staying as positive as I can!
xo
Thinking of you and your little one! Hoping you guys get some great news at the MRI. Stay strong! <3
Thanks so much Catherine. <3
xo
I am praying for you and for your little one to be healthy!
Thanks girl. That means so much!
xo
Praying for you and baby! Hoping everything turns out okay.
Thanks so much, Kelly. <3
xo
Keeping you, the baby and family in my thoughts and prayers!! Sending love from Missouri!!
Thank you so much, Meghan. <3
xo
Praying, praying, praying for your family Katie!
Thanks sweet girl <3
xo
Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way!
Thank you so much, girl.
xo
My prayers are with you, put all the trust in God!
Meg | Meghan Silva’s Blog
@MeghanSSilva on Instagram
Thank you so much, Meghan. <3 I am!
xo
Thinking of you xx
Thank you sweet girl <3
xo
Katie I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling! Remember that you won’t be put through anything you can’t get through and all of this will make you a stronger mama. Try your best to stay positive, I’m happy you have a great supportive husband by your side. Sending so much love and positivity your way <3
Yes, I fully believe that I am strong and we will get through all of this. Thank you for your words- they mean so much! <3
xo
I am praying for you all! I can’t imagine that sinking feeling hearing those words. You have incredible faith, something to be admired!! Just remember, if He brings you to it He will get you through it! Sending you virtual hugs!!!
YES. That is one of my life mottos and one I come back to time and time again. <3 Thanks for the sweet words.
xo
Dear Katie – I have been a longtime reader but this is my first comment. I am sending best wishes your way for your little wee babe. I am so happy that you have a loving supportive shoulder to lean on. I’m thinking of you and hoping for only good things.
Thank you so much for your sweet words- and for your very first comment! <3 I am soaking up all of this positivity!
xo
This is my very first time on your blog and I am sooooo sorry about what you are going through right now :( I don’t have any babes yet but I can only imagine what you are feeling! Prayers are with you, Sam, and your husband as you get through this time! I love how you are turning to God and relying on Him because He is the one who can make things better and teach us what we are here to lean :) I am so glad I found your cute blog and I am excited to keep hearing more about your journey. I truly wish you guys the very best!!
xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants
Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Candace! I’m sorry you came at such a tough time, but glad that you did! :) I am absolutely leaning on God- He is the only one who can guide us through all of this. <3
xo
Katie, you and your family are very much in my thoughts and prayers. I’m praying for the absolute best for you all, and God is with you through all of this. All my love.
Thanks sweet girl. That means oh so much to me. <3
xo
The same thing happened with us and our little girl. They couldn’t get a clear view of her stomach, they even had me go into the bathroom and jump up and down for a few minutes to see if she would roll to the right side so we could see her stomach. Well, she was stubborn, didn’t move and we had to go back a week later. Longest week ever! Now Vivian is 15 months old, healthy, happy, and still stubborn ;) Thoughts and prayers for you and you beautiful family :)
I’m so glad to hear we aren’t alone in this- thanks for sharing your story! I love that she’s still stubborn ;) So sweet!!
xo
Sweet Katie, my heart, love, positive thoughts, and prayers for a healthy baby all go out to you. I pray you find peace and comfort while you wait for more answers. Big hugs to you. <3 Catherine
Thank you so much, sweet girl. <3 That means a lot.
xo
Katie, I ache with you for your babe tonight! We went through an ultrasound scare with our daughter just over a year ago–we were told her abdominal organs had formed outside of her body inside her umbilical cord and she probably had a 50 percent chance of surviving depending on how many organs would have to be surgically put back in her belly. I was a sobbing, non-functioning mess until our specialist appointment. We ended up finding out everything looked perfect and everything was where it should be! We aren’t sure if the first scan was totally wrong or if God just showed off with a major miracle, but either way He showed up and I’m currently lying here nursing my 11 month old girl to sleep. He is good and you are not alone!
Tears in my eyes as I read your story- Thank you SO much for sharing! God is so GOOD!! I’m happy you have your little miracle baby to love on. There is so much hope!!! <3
xo
I know all too well how you are feeling. Last year in September at our 20 week ultrasound we learned that our son had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. His heart was shifted to the right and he had a hole in his diaphragm that allowed his gastrointestinal organs to move into his chest cavity. Learning that there is something wrong with your baby that you are supposed to be protecting is devastating, but know that you did nothing wrong. That’s the first thing my doctor told me. Things just happen. We spent the rest of my pregnancy driving 2 hrs to the nearest children’s hospital 2 times or more a month for multiple ultrasounds, testing, and mri’s. It makes the pregnancy so stressful but knowing that I continued to document my pregnancy like my first pregnancy allowed for some normalcy and I have all of those moments to look back on despite the stress. Know that you are strong. Thinking and praying for your family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your sweet words of encouragement. It’s hard and stressful, but I love this baby so much, I’m trying to stay positive for all of us! I like what you said- continuing to document just as the first definitely allows for some normalcy in this abnormal situation!
xo
Sending lots of good thoughts your way!!! I hope things turn out better and that you can help each other in the meantime.
I am praying for you and your little one. I just wanted to let you know that when I was born my heart was upside down and my lung collapsed due to them taking me too early. My parents were told that I would most likely not survive past the third day and that if I did I would always have trouble with breathing. I am 39 years old, pregnant with my first (20 weeks) and I am a professional singer so no breathing trouble at all. My sister also had a test come back that said my nephew would most likely have Trisomy 18 and would not survive. He is now the cutest most perfect little 6 year old I’ve ever seen. God is most definitely in control. :-)
I have been following your blog for about a year now, but I think I’ve only commented once or twice maybe, so hope you don’t mind me commenting. I kind of understand the uncertainty you’re going through, I have had a nightmare start to trying for a baby, one miscarriage and one ectopic, talk about luck of the draw! But one thing I do know, is you literally have no choice but to deal with pregnancy situations, because as you say we have no control over it.
Anyway, Im an NICU nurse here in UK and we see babies with a whole host of issues who go on to lead healthy lives. I’m not saying your baby will need to be seen in that setting or that your baby won’t be okay etc… I suppose what I’m trying to say is that you won’t be alone in this and the advances in neonatal medicine these days is amazing!!
I have my fingers crossed for you all!
Nicole.
Pregnancy is such a humbling and beautiful reminder that God is in control. It can be a hard lesson though. When I was 35 weeks pregnant an ultrasound found that our baby’s heart and kidneys had not developed properly. I had to deliver at a larger hospital in a different city with a team of doctors standing by, waiting to see if her heart would work and if she would need surgery. Our little girl came out perfect and with a fully-functioning heart. That waiting time was so hard but God gave my husband and I real peace and the ability to trust His hand on our baby. I pray that you and your family experience the same.
Katie,
I will be praying for you and your little one!! Thank you for sharing this part of your story, and reminding me that God is always in control.
Sending lots of love and hugs your way mama, and praying for your sweet little one! What amazing partners you have along for the journey with you, in both Zack and Sam. I admire your hope so much and am standing in faith with you that God is going to cover your sweet family! xoxoxo
Praying for peace from the Holy Spirit! He’s got you!!! Some verses that help during hard times: Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 41:10, and Philippians 4:6-7. Love you guys and know God is working this out!!!
Oh you are so sweet- thank you!! Those verses are all speaking directly to my heart. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my very favorites, always. <3
xo
Sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way! I can’t imagine how you are holding it together, my mind races at the smallest things. Please keep us updated!
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I’m definitely finding peace in my faith, that is the only explanation as to how I can hold it together at all. I will absolutely keep updated here! Thank you for your prayers! :)
xo