First, here is our reality: it’s messy, and crazy, and chaotic, and it’s far from perfect. But it’s mine and I couldn’t love it more. And it’s perfect in it’s imperfection.
Also, how stinking cute are the kid’s matching Christmas jammies, from Little Me?! OBSESSED!!
Well, we saw Santa. I thought mayyyybe we had a chance of no tears this year, since we were literally googling pictures of Santa and showing Sophie, she knows who he is, she even says “Ho! Ho!” (just two, mind you) and happily answers “Yes!” to the question “Do you want to see Santa?” but then when she was clinging to me as we inched our way closer in the line, I knew there was no way this was going to end in anything BUT tears. And sure enough, same exact face as last year. Sweet thing.
In all honesty, I kind of love the crying pictures. And she was fine as soon as she got off of his lap. ;)
I am SO behind on our Christmas cards this year. And I am ALWAYS on top of them (it’s one of my favorite parts of the holidays, and something I look forward to every year!), but this year, I don’t know. I’m feeling all sorts of frazzled and out of sorts. I need to pull myself together, because I just glanced at my calendar and starting tomorrow, it’s all systems GO as far as Christmas festivities. Literally, something EVERY single day for the next 9 days. NINE DAYS. IN A ROW. I’m stressed just thinking about it. But it’s fine. Breathe, Katie.
Although, the homebody in me is like WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF. The fun lover in me is excited for all of the goodness. :)
Speaking of pulling myself together… I have to share this. I hope it maybe helps another mama who’s struggling out there know that you aren’t alone. Sometimes, it can seem like I have it all together, but I assure you, I absolutely do NOT. And here’s a story to prove that…
Sam’s school is having a Christmas concert. We were unsure whether he would even be able to be a part of it, but he’s been doing well in practices and we thought it would be all good. The plan was to have one of his aides (who is with him in his class every day) up on stage with him to provide support and guidance. But this week, we got a call that the rehearsal did NOT go well. At all. Like, major meltdown. And that it doesn’t seem like a good idea to have him be in the concert. So, we made the decision to pass on the concert. And instantly, I felt so sad. This was one of those “normal” things that I was so beyond excited for Sam to be able to participate in! I mean, that’s huge! But then, autism reared it’s ugly head and reminded me that this wasn’t going to work out.
And I mean, it’s fine. I should have expected it. But I think that’s why it hit me so hard: I am so used to keeping a tough shell when it comes to my son and what we can and cannot do. I am so used to setting my expectations low so as not to be disappointed (I could write an entire essay on this, and I probably will). So this one time, when I let that guard down, when I allowed my hopes to get high and to expect this to actually happen, and then have it not work out after all? It’s just another thing to painfully remind me that we don’t get this super normal experience- that we miss out on what everyone else takes for granted. And that’s hard, to be honest. It’s so hard.
But it doesn’t mean we don’t keep our hope. Time and time again, our journey with autism has taught me above all, that HOPE is everything. And perseverance. And goodness, things have come up in the past that we “couldn’t” do, and guess what? We CAN do them now! It all just takes time. It takes persistence. It takes consistency. And above all, it takes hope. So sure, we don’t get a preschool Christmas concert for Sam. Not this year. But there is always next year. And I have a feeling I’ll look back at this then and read this with different tears in my eyes. This boy, he is so smart and so sweet and he has grown SO much in such a short amount of time. I know he will move mountains.
Anyway. This weekend is going to be a GOOD one. And Sam still gets to go to school today, which is all he cares about. ;) I love how much he loves school! And Zack and I have a date tonight to see a Christmas show, and then tomorrow is a girl’s shopping day with my aunt and cousin, which is going to be so fun! Life is what you make it. I’m making sure it’s good.
Oh, and I ordered our Christmas cards last night, so #winning.
I hope you have a great weekend, too, friends!
xo
You have such a great outlook on all of this. I can’t imagine how hard this is, but Sam seems so happy and so loved, and that’s the only thing that matters (even though in the moment, it’s almost impossible to not think about the little things). It’s better to be so intuned with your child that you know it’s not a good idea, then to push it. He’ll probably enjoy the season more without the stress/fear that may have happened. You guys are amazing, and thank you for your honesty! Hugs ❤️
You’re doing such an amazing job. I cannot imagine how much harder parenting is with autism on top of parenting a “regular” toddler. We have some issues with our son that can really get me down some days but you are right, no two days are the same. There is always hope!
Enjoy your busy Christmas festivities! xx
I just have to tell you, you ROCK! You are one amazing mama! You have the right attitude when it comes to autism. Hope and persevere are everything.
Your story resonates so much with me. I have been right where you are and I can tell you things get better. My son, is now 15, but I remember the Christmas concerts we couldn’t participate in or even attend. Even now, there are somethings he feels uncomfortable doing, but he can articulate his feelings as to why he is uncomfortable. I am so thankful for that!
My son started “special needs preschool” when he was 3y. I can tell you, without that early intervention, speech therapy, and occupational therapy, he would not be where he is today. He was not able to speak in sentences until he was 4. I’ll be honest, he did not completely toilet train until almost 6. He started Kindergarten with typical peers at age 6.
Currently, we wish he didn’t have such an good grasp of the English language, gotta love the teen years, sheeh! He is in typical classes with minimal support. He does well in school. He runs cross country and track. Running is so good for his energy level.
I don’t want this to be too long and seem like I’m bragging. Every year at our IEP meeting the consensus is the same, our son will go as far in life as he wants to go. College, vocational school, the choices are up to him. I did not ever think that would happen. I hoped , but I didn’t know.
Continue to have hope. Continue to persevere. I can’t tell you what Sam’s future is but I can tell you, that you are setting him up to succeed. He has been diagnosed and is receiving services early, that is huge! You believe in him, that’s bigger than huge! He has a loving environment where he is accepted for who he is, that is priceless.
As you know, Autism is a journey. Like all journeys there are valleys and peaks. Our peaks are different than they are with our typical children, but I have never been more appreciative of the small things. For me, Autism taught me to appreciate and celebrate the small things, because they are huge accomplishments for our kids.
This journey is like nothing else. Sam is so incredibly lucky to have you. He will thrive and excel due to the support, encouragement, love, and time his family shows him. Please never loose heart. I know this can be a stressful journey. You WILL look back one day, a week, a year from now and not believe how far he and your family have come.
Wishing you and your family and amazing Christmas!
*Sorry this was so long.
Oh Katie, I love what you said about hope. It truly is the one thing that will get you through all hard times.
And I’m so glad I’m not the only one SO behind on my Christmas cards this year!! I have been feeling super guilty!
As always, thank you for a beautiful post! :)
Sophie’s latest Santa photo = lol! My friend’s son Max is now 4 and he totally refused to go close to Santa.
It’s ok to feel sadness and to wish Sam was like the other kids in the preschool Christmas concert. Just remember he’s perfect how he is – and his breakthrough moments are going to mean everything in the world when they happen!
You did the right thing for Sam. Time and time again, we have tried to push through to normalcy, only to crash and burn. A few years ago, we realized it isn’t about our happiness or meeting other people’s expections; it is about Sadie’s comfort and happiness. We say no to a lot of activities and events, and lo and behold, she has improved dramatically. We still push her a tiny bit past her comfort zone so she can grow socially. It will still hurt at times and it’s ok to work through those emotions. The best advice I have ever been given is: It’s ok to go to the pity party; just don’t stay too long! ???? Please email me any time. Hugs!