With Mother’s Day fast approaching, and this being my second year as a mother, I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on the moment I realized I was a mom. I found out I was pregnant when I was already 9 weeks along. I know, I remember feeling like I should have gone on that show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Ha! ;) My first thoughts when the test read “positive” was HOLY CRAP. This is not real. The initial disbelief and shock was quickly followed by happy tears and excitement, of course. But I remember it taking a while for me to really feel like I was a mother. Sure, I knew I was pregnant, and I was growing this baby inside of me, but honestly it hadn’t yet sunk in.
The moment I realized I was a mom for the first time was when I felt those little baby kicks. All of a sudden, this tiny creature that was living inside of me, whose little bean shape we had seen and whose small but mighty heartbeat we had heard, took on a whole new life. All of a sudden, I became incredibly aware that I was a part of something important. I became aware that my body was being occupied by another. And those kicks that we shared from then on, they were his and mine alone. And it was with those very first tiny kicks that I felt, for the first time, like a mom.
In that instant, I remember feeling a little part of my heart was being shared by another, and I knew it would be like that forever. I was instantly aware that a piece of my heart will always belong to another, as long as I live. And it’s the best feeling in the entire world.
The year I lost my mom, Mother’s Day was a dreaded holiday. That was the toughest season of my life. And then, a mere 7 months later, I found out I was pregnant, and it was the most bittersweet I have ever felt. At once, joy for this new life and yet despair because my mom would never know him. Needless to say, Mother’s Day now means something special to me again. It will always be a day that I think of my own mom and feel her missed presence more than ever, but thanks to my little one, it holds happiness in it also. And I know without a shadow of a doubt, that my angel mama will be celebrating with us.