This week has been really hard. I feel like I’ve been crying every day. I’ve been reminded of my beautiful mom constantly and I just can’t stop the tears when they come. Maybe it’s these pregnancy hormones that are making it even worse, but all I can think about is how she won’t be here to meet our little angel baby. And it makes my heart break over and over again every time. I can’t shake it, either. I hate that this is how it has to be. I hate that I can’t be 100% ecstatic about this baby because I am always reminded of how bad she wanted to be a grandma. Of how my babies got robbed of knowing her. Of how I can’t call her at any time of day or night with silly questions that only my mom has the answer to. And yes, I’m just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I think that’s allowed, right?
This is life. This is reality. But I’ve never been a realist, anyway.
I don’t want to wallow, though. I won’t let myself wallow. So instead, here’s a happy list. It’s something I like to do when I’m feeling especially wallow-y. I’ve found making grateful lists make me see the silver linings in life, no matter how thin they can appear sometimes. Here goes.
Zack surprised me with a pear and gruyere sandwiche, fresh fruit, and a freshly baked pain au chocolat (my faaaavourite) one day this week for lunch. It just made my little Frenchy heart burst with happiness. Il me fait heureuse. :)
My dad is always on my side. He is such a constant in my life and always has been, since forever. I’m such a daddy’s girl, and for good reason. He’s been through so much crap, but he still smiles. He is still the funniest guy I’ve ever known. He still loves his kids (including the kids who married his kids) with every fiber of his being. And he still likes really creepy scary movies which I refuse to watch with him. ;) (p.s. Sorry if I made you cry, Dad).
Zack and I ran the other night. It wasn’t for very long (a mile) and it wasn’t very fast or intense, but it was probably my favourite run ever. As I mentioned earlier, this week was rough, and that run was just the release I needed. It cleared my head. It felt so good. We talked the whole time. It was in the evening, which is my favourite time to run. The weather was perfect (a little on the cool side) and the fresh air felt so good being breathed into my lungs. It was my happy place.
Zack is my happy place.
We went to Costco two days ago and got the Boudin clam chowder. I’ve already had a bowl two days in a row. You do the math.
We have three boxes of croissants and pains au chocolat in our house, thanks to Mimi’s. Nothing better than toasting one of those bad boys up and having it in the morning with a cup of hot coffee. Mmmmm. I’m already dreaming about breakfast tomorrow.
We find out the gender of Baby in 4 weeks! Eeeeek! Any guesses?
It’s the weeeekend!
That’s all I got. What’s on your happy list?
xo
Katie, I am so excited for you & Zack on your new addition and I know your mom is looking down on you and she’ll be there with you every step of the way. You get to pass down all the things your mom taught you about life to your precious son or daughter. She will always be a part of your child’s life :)
Thank you for your sweet words. You definitely made me feel much better. <3 I know you are right!!
xo
I know exactly how you feel! It has been 2 1/2 years since my Mom passed and I still have those moments where all I want to do it cry. Just know that you aren’t alone sweet friend. She is looking down on you and is so incredibly excited. Hugs sweet friend!
Ahhh I wish I could hug you, Jen!!! It’s nice sometimes just to know that you aren’t alone, you know? Thanks for that <3
xo
I’m sorry–I can imagine that she’s extra hard to think about now that you’re a mother yourself! Keep focusing on the good things, but I know you’ll always miss her.
I always try to focus on the good. Thanks girl <3
xo
I read this post + the post about you being a daddy’s girl, and now I’m crying. I’m really sorry for the loss of your mother. I can’t even imagine. My cousin lost her mom (my aunt) when we were 11 and she just had a baby girl in February. It was a very happy/difficult time in her life being pregnant and giving birth without her mom there to hold her hand.
Its great that you’re focusing on the happy things, and just take one day at a time. Let yourself cry when you need to, its normal and its okay. I’m sure your dad will be the best Grandpa ever to your baby and he/she will learn all about your mom from you and your dad. Thinking about you :)
Aww you sweet girl. Thank you so much for your kind words. You made me feel much better, I hope you know that. <3
xo
I know it’s not the same but your mom is still with you, only now in spirit. She is your angel and your baby may not get to know her in person but keep her alive by talking about her to your future son/daughter. My mom and I read your blog and she actually mentioned that you would say pretty much exactly what you said in this post. However she also said that it seems like you are surrounded by people who love you and will be there for you.
I’m not going to lie I tear up/cry every time I read about your mom but just remember she is still with you.
Also, I’m excited for you about finding out the gender in 4 weeks!
Monica, you are so sweet to me!! Thank you for what you said. You and your mom are just so sweet and I know my own mom is my angel and will be my baby’s angel, too. <3
xo
you and zach are absolutely adorable. and congratulations on your baby!! that’s such exciting news. i’m going to guess that it’s a boy :)
Aww thanks girl!! :) Zack thinks it’s a boy, too!
xo
your eyelashes are perfect!
Aww Jennie! You’re sweet! :) Thanks for making me smile!
xo
This made me tear up. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but your desire to be positive even when you’re sad is inspiring and encouraging. Blessings to you sweet girl.
Oh, Charlotte, thank you so much. I don’t find myself to be much inspiring at all, but it’s so sweet to hear that <3
xo
My dad was in a scary car accident a few weeks ago and I went through a lot of anxiety imagining our baby’s life without her grandpa in it. Thankfully he’s fine and that didn’t become our reality but the thought of my baby girl being the only grandchild he wouldn’t get to meet was petrifying. All that to say, I can only briefly relate to what you’re feeling, but although brief – I get it. It’s almost impossible to wrap your mind around, but thank God for your sweet dad and husband who feel your heart on the matter 100%. I think I’ve said this before, but I love how you always choose to celebrate the good instead of dwell on the bad, while also allowing yourself to have pity party days. I think they’re necessary at times, as long as you bounce back (like you do) and keep focused on the joy. You may not be a realist, but you’re so reasonable in letting yourself FEEL these moments. I’m not good at guessing, but your little girl or boy will be blessed to hear all of the wonderful stories you have to tell them about their grandma. She will be so real to them, even if not in person. Love your heart friend, and praying for you always!
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry you had to experience those feelings and that anxiety. I’m so so so glad to hear he’s doing well!! Your comment was such a comfort to me, as they always are. You have such a way with words, Christina, and you are such a blessing to me! Thank you <3
xo
Once when I was pregnant (with a baby I miscarried), my husband and I rode past our local cemetery and there was obviously something going on there and I just started crying, crying, and crying! I mean, we were just flying by and I was crying because I-don’t-know-who died and now the family were grieving. Those hormones are no joke. When I was pregnant with the girls I would cry at the pharmacy, listening to the news of children that died, listening to news of people dying…ugh. I was a mess in every way. My Dad passed away a little before I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. My dad had been sick for a very long time and at the end you could tell that he was ready to go…the problem is not those who leave, but the ones who stay. I knew that even though I was not able to talk to my father like 3 months prior to his death, he knew that his passing was perhaps a gift for me. So, that I could enjoy this new life in honor of his life. Try to be 100% happy, always. Miss your Mom in a nurturing way, a way that nurtures you and the memory of her. IDK under what circumstances she passed, but it would break her heart even more if she knew that even 5% of you was not happy.
Pregnancy hormones just seem to intensify everything, that’s for sure! Although, I’ve been a mess all year anyway, all on my own! I love what you said: The problem is not those who leave, but the ones who stay. Ain’t that the truth. We know they are in no more pain or suffering and are at peace- it’s the ones that they leave behind who are left with the sadness and new pain. Thanks for your kind words <3
xo
oh that is so hard. I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine your circumstances. but know I am thinking of you. I’m so glad you know things that can make you so happy.
Thank you, sweet girl. It means so much to know people care and are thinking of me. Really, it’s a huge comfort <3
xo
This post was somehow both heartbreaking and uplifting. I can’t even imagine how you must feel and I certainly don’t blame you for being upset lately. It’s wonderful that you can focus on the positives in your life (and it sounds like you have a lot of them). I’m excited for you and your little baby!
Thanks so much, sweet girl. I try with every part of myself to make sure to focus on the positives- it’s what my mom always did, no matter the circumstances. I guess I’m a lot like her :)
xo
I had these same thoughts often since I lost my mom while I was pregnant and I imagine they’ll never go away. When my daughter was first born she’d smile in her sleep ever so often and I always imagined it was my mom whispering something sweet in her ear! I now my mother is present in spirit but it still hurts knowing that my child(ren) won’t get to know the greatness that was their grandmother! Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my mother’s passing so the last few days have been full of tears for me as well. But, I’ve been mindful that she’s enjoying Jesus right now and meditate on I Thessalonians 4:13-18 and Matthew 5:4.
Be encouraged!
-Nicole
Oh sweet Nicole, I wish I could give you a big hug right now! So sorry that you had to feel this pain also. <3 I absolutely LOVE what you said about when your daughter would smile, it was your mom whispering something to her! YES. I love love love that so much. You made me cry. Thank you for sharing those verses, too. They are so powerful, and were exactly what I needed. You have encouraged me much!!!
xo
I couldn’t read a portion of your post because it’s something I think about all the time with my dad and I’ve been really emotional as well lately. I’m not pregnant, but any kids I have, will miss out on having an amazing grandpa that my dad would have been just like your baby will be missing his/her grandma. My heart breaks for you but hang in there. You’re in my thoughts and major congrats on your growing family!
I’m so sorry, Nikki, that you know this pain too. It’s so hard to escape, and is a constant thought. My heart breaks for you, too. <3 Thank you for thinking of me- it's such a comfort!
xo
my guess….baby boy?? baby sure as cute as their parents.i can’t wait to read the gender reveal post!!
have a great weekend.
xo josephine
http://www.joselovincolors.com
Aww you’re so sweet!! :)
xo
I am so sorry. I lost my dad in January and one of the things that upsets me the most about his loss is that he will never meet my children someday, or be able to see my sister get married. :-( Stay strong, pretty girl. I know how you feel and know that no matter what anyone says that may provide some comfort, no one can ever take the pain away of losing a parent.
Sending lots of hugs to you!! :-) XOXO
Oh, sweet girl, I’m so sorry to hear that you had to grow through that, too. My thoughts are with you. <3 Lots of hugs!
xo
you precious girl! you are entitled to all of your feelings! you have really been through it! and it is NOT fair that you don’t have your mom around for this special time in your life. it isn’t. at all! but you are gonna do so great. and don’t feel bad that you can’t be 100% happy and thrilled all of the time because no one can! there is so much changing and crazy hormones are happening and it is all so so normal to feel a whole bunch of stuff! you are gonna be a wonderful mommy :)
Oh, Brittany, you are such a blessing to me! Thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding. It means a lot. <3 Especially coming from such an amazing mama like you!!
xo
It gets better I promise! You will always been sad about those things, but it gets better :) it’s been almost 3 years for me and I’m to the point where I only cry occasionally, not everyday.. But I’ll be praying for you!!!!
Thanks so much for your prayers, Andrea. They mean so much. And for your words. It’s nice to know that I am NOT alone and to know that there is always hope <3
xo
Oh Katie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea… But those above are right. As they say in the Lion King, “She lives in YOU” I think you’ll have a boy because if you were having a girl, you would’ve had much more pain and things to deal with… Like girls when they grow up. I will try that silver lining Idea!
Aw I love that quote from the Lion King. So sweet. :)
xo
Glad you were able to run the blues away. Here’s to a better week!
Amen to that!! Running is the best way to make those blues go away! :)
xo
I’m not even pregnant, but I every once in a while, I think about how my mom won’t be around to meet my kids and be a grandma to them. Makes me so sad to think about. :(
I’m so sorry that you’re in the same boat as me. I had no idea. :( It’s the saddest thing, and I hate that you have to feel it too. Hugs to you, Gina <3
xo
Oh wow, I didn’t know you were preg. I’m so behind in bloglovin’ posts. Congrats on being preg. It’s such a happy time, but sad too because your Mom can’t be there with you. I’m sure she is watching down on you smiling.
You are the sweetest. Thank you for this comment. You made me smile.
xo
I love you, Katie.
<333
xo