It’s time to get real. I’ve been harboring some resentment. I’ve been upset and anxious and angry, deep in my core. And I’ve been having the hardest time letting go and dealing with forgiveness. But lately, piece by piece, I feel my life being put back together. Since losing my mom to cancer over a year ago (how?) I’ve been letting God back into my life- day by day- minute by minute. It hasn’t been a sudden thing, it didn’t happen all at once. It came little by little.
Bit by bit He has been coming back.
And that isn’t even the right way to put it, because no. He hasn’t been coming back. He can’t come back if He never left to begin with. I’m just realizing that I have been coming back. I was lost. I let myself be so lost. In the haze, in the dark. And now I’m seeing that the one who was gone that whole time wasn’t Him, but me. And it’s so amazing to know that He is always there for me, when I’m ready. God gives us time. He lets us grieve. He lets us figure it out on our own. He is not forceful or pushy, although He really has every right to be. No, He is kind and gentle and patient. And so here I am. I can’t say I’m 100% back, but I’m getting there.
I’ll never get over the loss of my mom, because really there is no getting over that, but I’m getting stronger each day and most importantly to me, I’m resting in the hope of heaven and all that God has promised us.
In the face of grief you have a few choices. And this is mine.
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. -Hebrews 6:19
xo
8/21/14
Love everything you said here! Our church verse is Ephesians 3:20: God can do anything you know, far more than you can ever imagine, guess or request in your wildest dreams, He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, deeply and gently within us.
I thought the last part of the verse lined up perfectly with what you said!
Aww I love your church verse. So much truth! Thanks for sharing!
xo
I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying to avoid my pastor at all costs and I feel super distant to God. I feel like he’s left me. How can I get closer to Him?
Aww sweet girl, just know that God will NEVER leave you or forsake you! I suggest getting a little devotional and reading it each day. There are also apps for your phone that you can download (The Bible app is a good one and it’s free and has lots of devotional plans you can do!) I’ve found just spending even a few minutes each day reading the word helps focus me! :)
xo
sweet girl! you have been through the thing that every person dreads the most… the loss of a parent and best friend and mom and leader and cheerleader and support. i cannot IMAGINE and i am sick when i even think of the day that happens in my life. i am amazed at the smiles you have decided to put on to keep moving forward and i know God doesn’t blame you one bit for feeling all the things you’ve been feeling!! He is still there, you are a wise lady :) and He will continue to pull you through even when you’re not feeling up to it!! i will send my prayers your way! xoxoxo
You are always so sweet to me, Brittany!! Thank you so much for your prayers! :)
xo
I think this is beautiful. God has us all in his embrace. We just have to hug back. Keep going, Katie. You’re doing wonderfully.
Aw thanks Leslie <3 I love what you said. :)
xo
you are a powerful being. i can feel your strength through this post, and i know that this lose is gut-wrenching, but He is taking care of you. there’s no set timeline on the path to “okay,” but i think you’re doing amazingly awesome. :)
thinking of you today.
ann
Aww thanks Ann! You are too too sweet!
xo
I love this. I’m not deeply religious, but grew up going to church. We all lose our way in someway at some point, and I’m kind of at the same point as you. It’s taken me a couple of years to get back to me, to feeling the same about myself and just being happy and in love with life. It all just takes time you know :)?
Oh, I know, Chelsea. It all definitely just takes time. Here’s to getting better each day!
xo
I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I have no idea the pain you went through from losing your mom, but I do know that you are STRONG and incredible. You’re so right — God is ALWAYS there for you!! xoxo
Aww thanks Ashley!! You’re the sweetest :)
xo
So sorry to hear about your mom. My mom has been fighting stage 4 colon cancer for several years now and I know how hard that can be. We also very recently lost her mother, my Nana (my recent post about her http://happilyevermock.blogspot.com/2014/08/nana.html?m=1) and sometimes it’s hard to believe that he is in control when such bad things are happening. Our homily at church last weekend was all about this, so your post was very fitting with something I’ve been struggling with too! Hang in there!
Aw I’m sad to hear about your sweet nana, too, girl! And I’ll definitely be praying for your mama. Cancer sucks. End of story. <3 Hugs to you!
xo
Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart. I pray God will continue to strengthen you and draw you close.
Thank you so much, Leah. <3
xo
Sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve never dealt with that, but I’ve faced other things that have made me grow distant from God and I know, as you say, that it’s because I’ve moved away and not because He has. Thanks for sharing and blessings in your journey!
Thanks sweet girl for your comment!
xo
Aww bjg hugs! That is so true and a great reminder to all of us.
Thanks Stephanie <3
xo
Katie, I am so sorry for your mother’s loss. I can’t even imagine. I just lost one of my closest friends to cancer last Saturday. We (my husband and I) are going through a lot of heartache and I can completely relate to a lot of these feelings. I’m angry, then I’m overcome with a wave of sadness. I think we can be thankful that they are no longer in pain. Shane was really suffering in his last days. He is now healed and whole. He is singing with your momma in Heaven and they are looking out for us. :)
xoxo
Oh, Logan, you just made me cry. It’s definitely so sad for us, but I know it’s the opposite for them! They’re having the best time in heaven, and we’ll all be there together some day! <3 Praying for healing and peace for you right now.
xo
I’ve lost both my grandmothers to cancer, my aunt and cousin are fighting breast cancer, my uncle is losing his battle and we buried my sweet friend a few weeks back. I am also struggling to let Him in, in fact, I’ve struggled with many things and also seem to have abandoned my little blog while I try to make sense of everything. Life seems so cruel right now and I’m glad that you finding yourself able to let Him back into your life, I hope that I will be able to fully give myself to him again soon. I know that he is there waiting for me but just need to get my head around everything I guess. Your mom would be so proud :) xx
This might make more sense! http://www.makingourownway.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/paris-with-heavy-heart.html head’s all over the place! x
Hi sweet Katie, my husband lost his mother to a very aggressive full body cancer over 3 years ago and while it doesn’t make us miss her any less it does help to think about how she is not in pain anymore and gets to be free and enjoy looking on us with our Heavenly Father. I hope it helps you to think about God releasing your wonderful mom from her earthly pain because he loves her and didn’t want her to suffer any longer. Praying for you :)
I can relate to this 100%. While I am not a spiritual person, I can 100% relate to losing your mom too early. I, too, lost my mom to cancer when I was young – I was only 18. It was devastating. She never saw me graduate college, never saw me get married, never saw her grandchild. And while I know she is looking down and did “see” all of this, I feel like she and I got robbed of her not physically being here for all these events. Like you said, you never get over it. It’s not something you can get over. But it does get easier each passing day and you get stronger as time moves on. You are a strong, strong woman and a great mama and role model to Sam. Show him pictures of your mom. She is watching down on you both (and your husband) and is so, so proud of the woman and mom you have become!