It’s been one month. One month since the worst day of my life. I’ve noticed something about grieving: it comes in waves. At first, it’s a big rush that capsizes you and pulls you under in one big tidal wave, and then after, it just comes at the most random times. I’ll be doing the dishes and suddenly just start welling up and soon I’m sobbing on my bed with no end in sight. I never knew anyone could cry this much. And my heart? I could feel it breaking. That’s another thing I didn’t know was possible. It was physically breaking and I could FEEL it. And now it’s been a month since I heard her sweet voice. It’s been a month since her pretty blue eyes (MY eyes) looked at me and smiled. It’s been a month since I heard her say “I love you, sweetie pie.” And I’ll never hear that again and that’s what’s so hard about this whole thing. I have learned a lot in just this short month, though. I’ve learned it’s okay to admit you’re not okay. I’ve learned of the kindness and compassion and the incredible capacity of love that people contain. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. But I’ve also learned it’s not my own strength that I’m experiencing, because me, alone? I am weak. It’s through God’s strength that I can get up each new day and smile a genuine smile. It’s God’s strength that I’m leaning on with every ounce of my being. And it’s all I need. It’s been one month, and it’s still hard. It’s been one month and I’m still sad. Wow, it’s been one month.
-written on march 15th
xo
(linked up with Casey)
Still thinking of you girl, and you’re in my prayers. It will be hard for a long time, I’m sure, so it’s okay to admit that! xoxo
Thanks Erin <3
xo
I love you. So thankful that God is the lifter of our heads.
I love you, girly. Amen!
xo
sending you love! <3
Thanks girl <3
xo
Thank you for sharing! I’d tell you to stay strong, but it’s always ok to be sad. I hope the spring and summer sun brighten your days when you need it most.
That was such a sweet thing to say. I’m hoping the same <3
xo
Hang in there!!
Yes <3
xo
Even though we may not know the reason why we go through the things we do, just know that God has a plan much bigger than we can ever imagine. Thinking of you and lifting you and your family up in prayer! If you ever need anything or even just someone to chit chat with ya just send me an email :-)
Yes, He certainly does! Thanks for your prayers, sweet girl, and for being here <3
xo
I couldn’t finish reading this, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ll be praying for you! Sending love your way! xoxo
Thanks sweet girl <3
xo
amen, sister. thanks for being so real with us. love you!
Love you!
xo
Reading your post today made me think of two things.
1. These are my favorite Bible verses: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Cor. 12:9-10
2. I read this during my quiet time this morning and was so encouraged by it. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation” -Hebrews 11:1–2 “Hebrews 11 is there to remind you that God is doing far more than you can see in your agonies, these things that are so, so hard and at times seem unbearable. You plead for God to deliver you from them and you wonder why he just keeps letting them go on.You are in good company. This is how your brothers and sisters throughout history have also felt, most of who are now in the great cloud of witnesses encouraging you to hold on and not give up (Hebrews 12:1). And what they are encouraging you to do mainly is trust God’s promises for you over your perceptions. Faith is “the conviction of things not seen.” Promises will hold you up; perceptions will likely sink you. And, I believe, they encourage you not to begrudge these difficult afflictions, because they will yield you “an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Corinthians 4:17). “Remember us,” I think they would say, “and see that God hides his most precious treasures for you, and for others through you, in your most difficult and painful experiences.”
Anyway, now that this is like a book long comment, I hope it encourages you in someway. I simply cannot imagine the pain you are feeling, but it is so good to see your example of leaning on God for strength. Praying that God comforts your heart immensely!
I am writing down everything you just shared with me to read over and over whenever I need to. Thanks so much for this amazing comment and all of those verses. I need them so much right now <3 You did encourage me, so much.
xo
Sending you prayers and positive thoughts! I can’t imagine, but stay strong Katie!
Thanks, love <3
xo
My thoughts are with you and I’m sending you lots of love.
Thanks girl <3
xo
{tears…} i love you and i’m sending many many loving and positive thoughts your way. i hope you can feel them.
xoxo
I can feel them, amazingly. <3 thanks, girl, love you!
xo
hugs…. let yourself grieve and heal. I can’t imagine the pain you have. Stay strong Katie.
xo
Sam
http://fabulouspetite.blogspot.com
Thanks Sam <3
xo
Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. It’s ok to grieve and feel that grief as long as you need to. Just don’t stop surrounding yourself with people that can love on you!
Prayers coming your way for every day.
I’ve learned how important it is to surround myself with love, and I have been!! Thanks for your prayers and sweet words <3
xo
My heart aches for you, friend. I can’t imagine experiencing a loss like this and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it and to apply it to my own life. One month is such a short time. Cry, a lot. Really let it out! And continue to remind yourself that God is your portion. Sometimes the thought alone is a challenge…but don’t ever forget that it is enough. He is enough. Thank you for being so open with us. It’s such an honor to pray so specifically for you and to keep you in my heart!!
Oh, Christina, you are such a blessing. Thank you for your sweet words, they really spoke to me <3 I love that: "He is enough."
xo
Thinking of you and praying for you sweet girl.
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
Ahhh that verse makes me cry every time. LOVE that. Thanks, girl <3
xo
My husband and I have lost two people we were really close to in the past six months. The hardest part for us was thinking about the things they’re missing. We bought a house and while we waited for everyone to show up for our housewarming party, we were acutely aware that they weren’t going to be there. Life goes on and they don’t get to experience it with us. I think that’s the most difficult part to stomach.
One thing that helps me keep going is this: they’d want us to enjoy life. They want us to experience all we can and have as much joy and laughter in our lives as possible. That doesn’t mean that we can’t be sad, it just means that we still have today and I know they’d want us to enjoy the crap out of it.
YES. I can’t even think about everything she’ll miss, because it paralyzes me. I just, I know that I can’t do that. Zack reminds me whenever I tell him I’m “thinking too much” to rememeber everything she DID get to experience, and what a blessing that was! It helps. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it most definitely helps to put it all in a bit of perspective. It’s still the hardest thing in the world. And you’re so right- they really would want us to enjoy every moment!!
xo
God’s strength is a beautiful thing <3 xoxo
Amen!
xo
thinking of you, girl! you are stronger than you know!
Thanks, sweet girl <3
xo
All of us are here for you.
I lost my mother when I was 14. You know how every one says there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t think of them? It’s unbelievably true. My mom was a part of me, really she is me.
I like to think – without darkness you wouldn’t see the stars.
It gives me hope.
If my mom would of never passed, I would’ve never met my husband. And he is my world.
My warmest thoughts are with you.
You just made me cry. What a beautiful thing: she IS you. I love that so much. And yes, without darkness, there would be no light. My thoughts are with you, too, sweet girl <3
xo
gosh i am just heartbroken for you, sweet girl. i am the same way, my mom is my best friend, and losing her is my nightmare… but i know it will happen one day. keep looking to God for peace and i will be praying for you! you are strong, girly! xoxo
Thanks, sweet girl <3
xo
Katie,
Your blog has become one of my favorites, especially in the last few months because of how you have talked about your mother.
I lost my father to brain cancer in October and I still struggle every day. Like your mom, my dad was my best friend.
Just wanted to let you know that you have an amazing strength and even if it may feel like it sometimes, you’re never alone. I take great comfort in reading your blog because I feel a similarity between us, not in our love for fashion, and Pretty Little Liars :), but because we know how much it hurts to lose someone.
Take care of yourself!
Lorrie
Oh, Lorrie, your sweet comment just made me smile so much. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for saying what you did! I’m thinking of you right now, and if you ever want to talk, please email me! Lots of love <3
xo
My heart aches for you, I wish I could help stop the pain. I can’t imagine losing my mom at a young age. :( As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how much my mom is my first best friend and how much I appreciate her. I’m glad to have realized this now rather than later. A big hug to you pretty girl-know that your mom is watching over you and smiling proudly of the lady that you’ve become. :)
Thanks, Beth, for your sweet words. I’m so glad you’ve realized this now, too. It hurts my heart every time anyone speaks ill of their mom, and I am so blessed to have had the amazing relationship with her that I did! I will always always cherish it <3
xo
i’m sorry katie. i know how important your mom was and is to you, and can only imagine that heartache. you’re so right though. it is only through God’s strenght that we can go through difficult times. one day you will see your beautiful mommy again. one day not too far away. hugs sweet girl. xo
Amen to that, girl. THanks for the hugs <3
xo
Still praying for you, sweetie. Just keep leaning on Him. It has been 12 years for me and it does get easier. It never goes away, but the pain lessens.
Thanks for your prayers, they mean so much <3 I can see how it will never go away, but gets a little easier
xo
You know I am always thinking of you and praying for you. Hugs my dear dear friend.
Hugs back to you, friend <3
xo
I very much relate to how you might be feeling. I lost my mother when I was 17 and it’s never been the same. Grief doesn’t go away completely but it does get easier to deal with. I’m wishing you the very best…
xo,
nancy
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Thanks for your sweet words <3
xo
Oh, Katie, my heart is really breaking for you. Praying for you today, sweet woman of God. Praying that somehow He will comfort you.
Thanks for all of your prayers, sweet girl <3
xo
You have such amazing strength. I love reading about your mom :) You’re constantly in my thoughts & prayers :)
xoxo
-L
Thanks, girly <3
xo
Love you! You’re so strong and I’m still thinking about you! Smile :)
Love you! I’m smiling :)
xo
Hugs to you Katie. You are so strong, it’s amazing. And, thank you for sharing your story with us, That takes a lot of courage in itself! Still praying for you and your family. Thank the Lord for getting us through some of our most darkest days…. It is amazing what our faith can do. :-)
It was very hard to share this post, hence why it took me so long to post it! But I just felt the need to do it. Thanks for your sweet words <3 They help me so much
xo
Your lovely strength is amazing :) And I couldn’t agree more about finding strength in God, he really is all we need to overcome any & all things! Thanks for sharing again about your mother, she is indeed a sweet spirit who shines through you! :) Happy thoughts and prayers for strength are sent your way—–>
xoxo,
Shio
You are the sweetest, Shio. Thanks for saying what you did :)
xo
Just wanted to say that I too unfortunately have had to deal with losing my mother. I hope and pray that you find the strength to carry on and know that it does get better =) Hard to believe, but it does. It’s been three years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and wish I could just pick up the phone. Thanks for sharing such an intimate detail that is just as hard to handle. My thoughts and prayers are with you friend!
Ahh I’m so sorry, Brittney. I hate that we can relate in this way- it’s the absolute worst way. My prayers are with you too, sweet girl!
xo
Again, reading this was like reading an entry in the diary I keep in my heart. It is unreal the parallels we have been experiencing. I never before thought about looking at her blue eyes and how they were my eyes. And the last time my mom said “I love you” – well, I can hear her voice like it was just yesterday.
Hold on to every one of those moments, sweet girl. Hold them so tightly. And write about them!! Like you, I constantly find myself crying at the most random times. Some days it just hits so hard and there’s nothing you can do. Just know I love you and yes, you are so very strong. We have a wonderful God and wonderful mothers to thank for that strength :) xo
Chelsea, you are an absolute blessing to me. Love you, girl.
xo
I feel your pain and know that feeling. My Mom was my best friend, I lost her 4 years ago and it still hurts so bad. That feeling doesn’t go away but somehow we are able to go on and find that strength. I like to think it is her with me helping me. My heart and prayers go out to you.
I’m so sorry, sweet girl. I hate that we have this in common, but we are so strong and we have our sweet moms with us, always. <3
xo
Just seeing that photo of your mom holding you, made me teary eyed. My heart aches for you, Katie. I can’t in any single way imagine how painful it must be to deal with every day and it makes me sad that there is no way to change it. You know, I was thinking about people who pass away from cancer and everyone says they lost the fight against cancer, but I don’t think that is true. God won in the battle against the cancer by bringing them home to be with him in heaven and now the cancer is defeated and they are free of pain. That is what I think. It reminds me of this quote that my pastor always says when talking about those facing disease or struggles or loss, “I am invincible until God wants me home.” We ARE invincible until God wants us with him. And I know that it is so hard for you and always will be, but I know that you will make it through. You have such a strong, positive attitude and I know God is watching over you and your family and he will take care of you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Love you & always praying for you, Katie!
Thanks for your sweet words, Katie. I love what you said, and hold onto it very tightly. I, too, don’t like when people say that someone “lost” their fight with cancer. She didn’t lose. She was a fighter and she had God on her side, always. There’s no way you can lose with God on your side. Love you girl!
xo
I’m a semi-new reader … and I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Thanks for your honesty posting this. Sending love your way :)
Thanks, girl :)
xo
Still thinking of you girl. It will get easier but will still hurt. I pray this next month brings you comfort.
Bonnie Rose | A Compass Rose
Thanks so much, sweet girl. <3
xo