Oh, motherhood. It’s a crazy journey, guys. This is nothing new or earth-shattering, but here it is, anyway. You birth these little humans and instantly fall more in love with them than you could ever fathom in a million years, or comprehend, or put into words, or anything, really, you just love them SO FREAKING MUCH IT HURTS. And then you’re scared of them. Scared that you’ll drop them. Scared that you’ll not know how to take care of them. Scared of the million little weird things they do, scared that you’ll screw them up somehow. And then they grow up a little, into these toddler beings, who are totally sassy and totally crazy and totally wild and totally YOU (how’s that for payback?!) and you love them and hate them at the same times, but mostly you still just love them SO FREAKING MUCH IT HURTS. And then it’s time for them to go be with someone other than you and all of a sudden the brakes are put on and you’re like “waaaaait just a second, I can’t do this” even though some days all you want is like two minutes of peace and quiet.
Does this sound familiar?
Because this is where I am right now. We started Sam in a preschool(ish) setting, where he’ll be going for a few hours a couple days a week. Monday was his first day and I was a MESS. I was emotional, I was on edge, I was nervous and worried from the moment we walked out the door and dropped him off with a STRANGER to the moment we (finally) picked him up. It was hard, guys. SO hard. He goes to church nursery every Sunday, but that’s different. We’re in the same building at church. Here? We drove home after dropping him off.
And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. No joke. I’m not exaggerating at all. Ask Zack. I was a MESS.
But then we picked him up and he hugged me for so long (mostly I think because he knew I just really really needed that long hug) and usually he’s such a busy boy and always go-go-going, but this time he just stayed there, in my arms, squeezing me and letting me be all “Mom-ish” (you know what I mean). And it’s just what I needed. And he’s going to be okay. And I’m going to be okay.
I never realized how difficult it would be to let go, even just a little. I always thought, “Pffft, mama needs her BREAK” but really? I’m so used to my little sidekick always being with me. And it was awfully quiet for those 3 hours when he was at school and I was here, at home.
I’ll have to really brace myself for actual school! And don’t even get me started on college… Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. One day at a time.
Breathe, Katie. You’ve got this.
xo
I don’t have kids, but reading this I could feel the struggle inside of you and I wanted to give you a hug through the screen. :P I am a recent follower and don’t know you at all but this was really sweet and super real and I appreciate you putting it out there into the world. Good luck with the kiddos. :)
Alyse
http://www.thatchickwithglasses.com
Aww you are so so sweet!! Thank you for that virtual hug. :)
xo
That was such a great post, and totally accurate! I miss my babies so much when they’re at daycare, and then go a little nutty once they’re home and fighting with each other, haha!
You’re such a wonderful mom!
Ha! Yep, isn’t that the way it goes- miss them like crazy and then also count down to bedtime some days. Oh, boy. Wild ride!!
xo
Love this post!! So right on! I always think I need a break and then the second I get it I’m missing my babes or feeling guilty… and don’t get me started on dropping them off….heart-wrenching doesn’t even begin…
Ugh, soooo heart-wrenching! But knowing it’s healthy for both them and us mamas, definitely makes it a little easier. :)
xo
You are so right Katie, the love we have for these little beings is crazy and leaving them with strangers is very hard but it will get easy with time.
YES. You’re right about that!! I keep reminding myself of that: it will get easier with time! It already has! And it’s healthy for them and for us, so that’s something I tell myself too :)
xo
Ahhhh! I needed this so much today…to feel like i wasn’t alone in this feeling. I am only in my second week back to work and dropping my little mini at daycare, and today for some reason today I just couldn’t close that door behind me. I stood there, staring at my little man in someone else’s arms, perfectly happy and content and safe, but not with ME. They are the greatest blessing in this world. but also present us with the greatest emotional hurdles. Thank you for sharing…you gave me a moment to remember that while I am not with him, I am also not alone. You’ve got this mama!
YES!!! You are never ever alone, even though some days it can feel like it. I’m so glad I could remind you of that!! Thanks for sharing. <3
xo
That’s so crazy and awesome that he’s started preschool! They get so big so fast and I totally relate to the alone time thing but then it’s like, “Wait! What? I miss my baby!” So sweet that you guys had a snuggle moment. I will be a mess too when that time comes. And fair warning – I’m not a pretty crier!
Haha yep, it’s a crazy ride and an emotional rollercoaster, at that. Gotta always remember this is actually GOOD, for both of us! When the time comes, it’ll be so hard but absolutely worth it!
xo
Such a hard transition I am sure! We are lucky to have family watching our little guy but I know the day will come that he’ll go to daycare part time, for the interaction with other kids and a break for my mother in law, and it seems SO hard and so far away yet also so close!
Oh I know exactly. It was so hard leaving him with someone that isn’t family for the first time!! So strange and I was just really nervous the entire time- but you’re right: the interaction with other kids and a break for our sweet family members is so so important!!
xo
Totally feel you. Adeline has been in daycare since 13 weeks. Saying goodbye is never easy, but let me tell you, every single time I pick her up and she drops what she’s doing, runs towards me with her arms high in the air and a big goofy smile on her face, it reminds me that I am doing a good job, that she is loved and cared for, she’s thriving, and everything is ok!
Awwww I bet that is the absolute best feeling in the world!!! :) What a nice reminder that she missed you and loves you! So sweet!
xo
oh my goodness. i have literally spent so much time fretting over this very thing. my girly is 4 and we’ve rarely been apart from each other. now we’re looking at pre-k for the fall [she’ll be old for her grade based on the cutoff] and it keeps me up at night and i wake up thinking about it and i’m SO sad. i don’t want our days to change. waaaa. but you did so great!!!!! and i am sure all it takes is getting into the swing of things. as long as the babes are happy, right?! xoxoxo
Oh, mama, I know exactly what you’re saying. It is HARD. But it is so good for everyone!! Yep, as long as the babes are happy, that’s what counts!!
xo